solitude

so, I was looking for a picture that represented solitude and opportunity and this about does it.

For those of you who don't know...I moved back to Nevada in December of 05. I have lived in Reno since then and I am working for a Non Profit that does lots and lots of good work. I have my own apartment and am having a really nice time being out of school and practicing at being a responsible adult.

I chose the solitude idea to talk about today because last night I turned off all the lights in my place and put on an old cd I had made for a friend called "for when you're lost" and just sat and thought and listened until the whole cd was finished.

I enjoyed this so very much, that solitude...that simplicity, that I think I'm going to make a habit of doing that at least once a month.

While listening and thinking I found myself really at peace.

I imagine I had been avoiding this blog for several reasons- many of them having to do with facing my own fears about being back in america, about failure, about irresponsibility, about judgement and perceptions about me.

But last night I was happy and alone and happy to be alone- and that is really rare for me.

It's not so daunting to think that I've been back in Reno for almost 5 months now- nor so daunting to think that I have no idea when I'm going to leave.

I've got lots and lots of daunting things to think about- mostly financial...but i'm doing pretty good about managing that part of my life better. And my parents were right that when you sort money matters it really feels like a weight is lifted. Even for someone like me who really hates the entire concept of money and wealth and the accumulation of it. It's still something I have to think about...and I really really am thinking about it now. Almost too much, but it's a nice contrast to the times when I never thought about it or the consequences of not managing my finances.

Besides money matters I'm spending a lot of time trying to learn things on my own...outside the classroom. And I'm thoroughly enjoying that.

While I was in London I became a bit obsessed with the Democratic Republic of Congo and that has flourished into a healthy appetite for as much knowledge, information, perspective and understanding of not only the DRC but much of the rest of Africa as well.

I think I've always known that I want to help people- that's been a core value behind every class I've ever taken and every organization I've ever been a part of. For a while, that idea became something I wanted to do as best as possible- which is why I went into Critical Theory. Because I have some pretty severe worries about helping people without actually helping them. The band-aid, something to cover up a wound but not necessarily heal it. And I found a lot of extraordinary information in my short period of studying Critical theory...enough for me to know that I could get entrenched there and never come out. So I left, without really knowing if I would come back. I'm still not sure if an MA in Cultural and Critical Studies is what I need to help people. I'm beginning to believe that what I could learn there needs to be done outside of a classroom and inside my own head- because ultimately I don't think I'm smart enough or capable enough or logical enough or rational enough to be a critical theorist- I think i'd rather do the hands-on stuff.

So back to my wanting to help people. my first step towards the realization of my goal to help people- is to help myself.

which is what brings me to Reno, NV and a steady job and a clearer focus on my finances and my health.

so that's a little update for today.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll speak more about the extraordinary circumstance of this day- happening all around me.

till then. thanks for listening.