So am back from the first leg of my radiohead following. been back actually for a few days. It's lovely not having access to a computer after 7pm. anyway I wrote while I was away- having all that time to myself so I figure I'll just type what I've written. Woo. hope you like.

23.11.03
In Newcastle, have just seen Radiohead live for the second time. I love them. So entertaining, so charismatic and brilliant music- always. Oy. I think when I get home I'll buy a ticket to the show in Aberdeen and try to go to at least one of the London shows. If not those I've still got dublin with dani. I'm in a state of euphoria- it's inexplicable. I am acting like an 11 year old- it's excellent. It started yesterday morning at about 7:30am when I hopped on the coach (bus) up to Manchester. I slept through the majority of the 8 hour drive, but I did wake in time to see the city. For some reason I expected Manchester to be more broken down and working class, but when we arrived I was suprised by the large new buildings and clean streets. The was one building (one of the older ones) which reminded me of a Monty Python skit ( I think from the beginning of THE MEANING OF LIFE) where a bunch of dissatisfied, elderly office workers whose office has apparently been taken over by a younger more efficient firm have a mutiny and take over their office building like pirates. They then proceed to sail all about this city (presumably London) in this building and eventually attack this very fancy brand new building of some random american corporation. It's a brilliant skit and hillarious.
Anyway the building that reminded me was all lit up by the rays of mid-afternoon sunlight making it appear somehow triumphant over the surrounding buildings. I found Manchester charming and vowed to pay more attention to why and how I am developing opinions of places I have yet to be.
As I checked into my hostel there were thre people, two males and one female, asking for directions to the MAN. arena which is where Radiohead was playing. I knew immediately that I was going to try to be friends with these people- as it was apparent that they had excellent taste in music. Lucky me, I come to find out that we are all staying in the same room. I asked them if they were going to the concert and if they wouldn't mind some company on the walk up. They said they wouldn't mind but that they were leaving early to have dinner and wander around a bit. I agreed to come along and we left right away. On our walk we introduced ourselves. Renee, Paul and Duncan ar all from Australia but they work and live in Birmingham. They had come up to Manchester immediately following the World Cup Rugby Final between England (who won) and OZ. {just a side note- it should be known that this is the first time anyone in the northern hemisphere has ever won the rugby world cup} Like me, they had been up since 7 or earlier, however by 7:30 they were in a pub drinking waiting for the match to start. I consoled them on their loss and we set off to find a place to eat. We found a lovely irish pub whose name I can't recall near the arena and we sat down for a few pints of Guiness and some conversation about George the Second, and of course music. All four of us then ordered sausage and mash for dinner, on Duncan's suggestion. It's made with a Guiness gravy, an interesting dish but filling and tasty - or perhaps it was just the Guiness. Off to the concert we went and got split up. For some crazy reason I had seats for my first radiohead concert and had to sit in the balcony about a million miles away. Before our split we agreed to meet after the concert but I couldn't find them when the show was over so I waited for an hour in the cold, foggy weather for a cab back to the hostel. I wasn't paying enough attention on the way to the arena to find my way back... bad planning on my part. When I arrived at the hostel they were already in bed so I followed suit and fell right asleep. In the morning I left them a note with my e-mail and phone number in hopes that they would get in contact with me. I'm not certain if they got it but I hope to hear from them.
My coach left @ 9:05 am and I was off to Newcastle. Outside of Manchester the scenery reminded me of Nevada in many ways. The landscape seemed to be covered with (or what looked like) yellow cheatgrass and little bushes that made me think of sagebrush. At one point this old rock wall, which must've been ancient, divided the land to the left of the coach into two halves as far as I could see. The half to the left of the wall was as I've described, but the half to the right was a brilliant green, almost like astro turf and it stood so defiant amid the hundreds of leaveless trees surrounding it. It was a beautiful site.
After we pasted through leeds where I almost left my luggage on the coach my mind shifted from the ground to the sky. It was a gray and dismal day but the sun looked like a waterdrop and the grey clouds and what little light they let through looked like ripples reverberating out from the sun. It was eerie, but breathtaking. I arrived safely in Newcastle. Because of my poor planning I had had to book a hotel in Newcastle- as all the hostels were full. But when I arrived at my Quality Inn I was happy to suffer through the luxury of a bath tub. In fact, as I'm writing I've already had two baths. [and for the record I had one more in my 16 hour stay in Newcastle] To those that are deprived of them, baths are a holy, magnificent thing.
A note should be made as I am soon on my way to wales that most English people, for whatever reason seem to have an abbhorance for the welsh and find amusement in refering to wales as "sheep shagging country". The animocity is apparently two-sided and I am interested to see what the Welsh have to say about the English. And while we're making interesting notes about England it should be know that when an adolescent is near a monument or important structure and feels the need to immortalize themselves in permanent ink they write their name an "woz ere" which took longer than it should've to translate into the american (and probably canadian) "wuz here". I thought abuot teh subtlety of difference and how strange it was to me. I thought of perhaps leaving a bit of myself here in Newcastle scrawled the american way and wondered if those to stumble upon it in the future would recognize the difference and ponder the oddity as I have.

24.11.03 Cardiff, Wales.
My coach to wales left at 6am this morning. It was extremely cold in Newcastle at that time of the morning- 7 degree's celsius below zero. I don't know how that converts to farenheight, nor do I want to. It was freezing and we had to wait outside for the coach because it was late. This spawned a string of events that led to me to eventually call Christina back in brighton to see if she could find out how much a train ticket to Cardiff would be from Birmingham- as my driver had made it pretty clear that we were going to be late. Christina found me the information and I wrote it down. Fortunately, however, my connecting coach was late as well, so I opted to just wait for it and get to Cardiff a little later than I had expected. When the coach arrived it was so full that for the first time since I started my travels I had to sit with someone else. Her name was Lucy. She was going back to school in Cardiff and had been visiting her family in Birmingham. When she asked what I was doing and I explained about Radiohead, the look on her face made me sure that we were going to be friends. Lucy's boyfriend was at the Manchester show, but she hadn't been quick enough to buy tickets to the Cardiff show and she wasn't certain that she was goign to be back from Birmingham in time anyway. To my extreme delight I told Lucy that I knew for a fact (because I had checked my e-mail in Manchester) that the Venue in Cardiff had reserved tickets for itself and they were still on sale. After much nudging and singing of radiohead songs I convinced Lucy to go to the show with me. When we got to Cardiff we had to split up. I went to my hostel (a giant red and purple building) and she went back to her halls of residence. We met outside the Cardiff international Arena at 7:30pm just as the supporting act Asian Dub Foundation (who remind me of Rage against the machine but less metalish and more eastern) came on stage. The Arena was so small that the only kind of tickets were standing tickets. Lucy and I secured a spot relatively close to the stage but off to the left side (that's ed's side- for radiohead). I was content with our position as I hadn't been able to get that close at the Newcastle show because I showed up too late- I had been taking a bath! ha! There was a bit of shuffling around during Asian Dub Foundation and I had to shift between taller men constantly but I'd finally found a spot where to one side of a guys head I could see Thom and to the other side Ed. Johnny who was on the right of the stage was pretty much invisable. Lucky me, however, a bit of a mosh pit [mom, dad and others- thats when people jump up and down together to a song and sometimes get violent and push people really meanly) started and Lucy and I ended up about three rows back front and center- I could see everybody from there- and they could see me! Thankfully our mosh pit was more of a combined and shared excitement at the same time so no one was hurt and we ended up just all scrunched up next to one another, sweating and belting out the lyrics to myxamatosis.
"no one likes a smart ass but we all like stars"
[this is where my journal ends but i have more to say]
The way the band was set up was hillarious to me. First- the guitar tech for Ed was able to walk completely under the microphone that had been set up for Ed. Second Thom- who has got to be the smallest member of the band (and for those who aren't fans- the lead singer) was flanked by Ed (the guitarist who we've already established is tall) to the left and Johnny(the guitarist and so many other things) who isn't much shorter than Ed to the tight. Then behind Thom was Phil the drummer and slightly to the left of Phil was Colin the bassist.
Everybody I know who talks to me about radiohead and who isn't a huge fan always asks "isn't it so depressing?" I don't know if it's because Radiohead's biggest single was creep- and that song happens to be depressing or if they've only been exposed to the mellower songs by radiohead- but this has always seemed like a silly assumption about radiohead's music. It's certainly not depressing- at least not to me, or not all the time anyway.
anyway, I think I had internalized a lot of those comments made to me because when the band came on stage the first time (in manchester) I was pleasantly suprised at their charisma and excitement. Thom does this little shimmy dance where he shakes his hips and wiggles around during certain songs. Ed has a grin on his face most of the time. It is apparent that Johnny is having a good time by the way he plays his various instruments. Phil and colin play off one another and they all seem to be having such a good time. Sometimes Thom will jump about and dance around the stage. He did this hillarious thing in Newcastle while playing the song "You and whose army". The piano was set up with a camera right in thom's face- so during the song he would wink at the audience at funny times and make silly appropriate faces when he said "come on if you think you can take us on". They're just lovely. Just for the record I have purchased tickets to the Aberdeen show (aberdeen is in scotland) and I tried to go to the wednesday show in london but they were honestly sold out. It's been such a nice experience traveling around england and wales (and scotland soon) by myself always on my way to a radiohead concert. I'll be glad to have dani with me in Dublin- she'll let me cry about the fact that it's the last time I'll see them for a while. She gets it and she's known me long enough to let me be a little silly.

I must give a disclaimer to my good friend joshua, because I've talked so much about two of his favorite things- radiohead and guiness.
***So josh, just to make it a little better for you- I was looking at your pictures of mexico and noticed the blue sky and that you mentioned that your roomates got a tan. Well here the sky is perpetually grey and the temperature is never warm enough to walk around without a jacket, scarf and gloves. There are benefits to being in both places. I wish, though, for this- you could've been here. ***

OH and yesterday was thanksgiving - so we had dinner at the flat next door. I didn't have to make anything because I volunteered to wash the dishes. It was good stuff. Turkey and dressing and pumpkin pie. Even good conversation about why we celebrate thanksgiving and what thanksgiving historically represents. Good people I tell you- good people I'm surrounded by.
and with that said- I'm gonna go spend more time with them.

ooh- but wait. My professor- the one that is teaching the classes supposively taught by an american professor (ha! he works at Boise state but is English) he's going to let me do my projects on Radiohead. One involves poetry and the other travel writing. Good stuff I say! Good stuff.
Please everybody find a radiohead album and listen to it- they are so good. so very magical.

right now I feel really good. I'm giddy about radiohead and I've discovered that if i take a pain killer when I feel sick or like resting my illness away- I can function. It doesn't take away all the pain or annoyance of being sick but it does dull it and it gives me space to do something other than feel like crap.

I hate that disengaged feeling one gets when ill.

and I've decided to take pictures- of my home and this trip. so, if I am truly as clever as I think i might be- I will be able to post some pictures for all of you to see. Yay. I still haven't packed. I just wanted to write something in here while I've been feeling well. Until tuesday then.

I hated venice. not because of the city, or because of the language barrier, but because I was sick. I've decided to return to venice alone, when I'm healthy, and during a different season. I've been in bed since I returned on Tuesday evening. I have big plans to remain in bed until I'm completely well. Things I realized while in Venice= I prefer to travel with people I know, I need to know more languages, I need to take care of myself, and ryan air is the worst airline in the history of airlines.

one interesting fact is that the italian military is stationed at the airports in Italy with big guns, in addition to the security people and the police- who also have guns.

I hate guns.

I leave for radiohead a week from today. Am not excited about the coach rides- although I did only pay 20 pounds total to get me from Brighton to Manchester, Manchester to Newcastle, Newcastle to Cardiff, and Cardiff back to Brighton. Look at a map kids- you'll see how big of a deal that is.

i'm in a condescending mood so I'm going to stop writing.

I leave for venice tomorrow and won't return for a while- so if I don't write- don't think it's because I've run off and joined the circus. I'll be back...with loads of stories about venice. woo.

Where to start. since last I wrote I've been doing a lot of work and lots of school work, but not much else until this last friday when I went to Paris. We got home yesterday. I had an extraordinary time. I truly love that city. We did a couple of walking tours and then were left to our own devices- which was so good for me. I speak more french than I thought I did and that made me extremely happy. I felt special when people would ask me if I knew how to say something (and too often I did not) but i was glad to help when I could. I really really really want to start studying french again. I love it so much. I finally got to see l'arc de triomphe up close, as last time i was too lazy to walk to it. I discovered my favorite place in paris, is not as I thought Monmartre, but the cemetery pere Lachaise. Yes yes, that is where Jim Morrison, Oscar Wilde, and Edith Piaf are buried, but none of them were really why I enjoyed it there so much. I feel a little morbid thinking that my favorite place in paris is a cemeteryy, but honestly it was the most beautiful and pure place I have been. I think autumn had a lot to do with my attraction, as I would watch the yellow and orange leaves dance with the wind around beautiful mausoleums. I also think, though, that I loved it so much because the graves are so big and extravagant- which part of me finds distasteful, but I think another part comforts me.

it's a bit comforting to think of having something so big, and elegant to house my remains. Ah, but i am really ambivalent about it all.

perhaps it was just the day, the mood, the weather and the circumstances that made me love the cemetery so much. I did visit jim morrison's grave and left him a little somethin-somethin. It was after we visited his grave and walked around a bit more and found this gigantic monument to some french general where we sat down and I cried. Maybe it was the release that made the cemetery so wonderful. I cried about Elliot Smith, John Lennon, and Jim. I cried about my grandma's and grandpa who've gone already and my papa still living in arkansas. I cried about how scary and sad death is, yet how completely natural and beautiful it is also. I cried because everyone has to die, and because it's wonderful to be a part of a cycle. Then I cried about those who are living under horrific circumstances. I cried because I don't want to reinforce the system of oppression in the world. I cried because I'm so small and insignificant. I cried because we are all alone, and so many of us (myself included) don't love the only person who will ever really know us- ourselves. I cried because I was a tourist in this place where people where bringing their loved ones flowers and cleaning their headstones and sarcophagi. I can't explain how it all made me feel but it was good- a really really good feeling. I was so sad to leave, I wanted to cry more, to sit longer, to be so fully in my living skin amid tombs and death and life.
I have an honest fear of ghosts and the dark or better put- things that may be lurking in the dark- but I was able to picture myself inside Pere Lachaise on the darkest of nights without any inclination to fear or speculation about what would be waiting for me there. It was comfortable and safe. I don't know if anyone can relate- or if you all are suspecting that I've lost my mind, but when i return to paris, that cemetery is the place I want to go.

OY! and the next day we went to Le Chateux de Versailles (which, the first time I went to paris, was the structure which impacted me the most- I loved it then). This time, however, I could see how very much I had changed as a person in these last five years. I saw how I looked at the magnificent buildings and gardens and how I saw them as a waste of money- a needless extravagance. I kept a running list of how many things could be better aided by this money. I felt sorry for the plants, flowers and trees because the French (not only at versailles) keep them so damn regulated. I hated it. They look like they are cut out in little squares standing next to one another- as though they are imprisoned in a cell. It's ugly to me and I wished the gardeners or whoever would just let them grow. I understand the historical significance of the building and why maintaining it is so important to the identity of france, but it really really really made me dislike the sun king- Louis XIV. It just seems like a structural and architectural (forgive me for using this term) masturbation of his ego. He's pretty high on my list of people NOT to admire. I was glad to find myself so different, although a little sad that something that used to be so magical to me was now not as enjoyable. C'est la vie. Perhaps the cemetery will be that way for me next time I'm in paris. Oh and I took this fabulous picture of the Peace monument which is across from the military school- I managed to get both in the picture. Interesting juxtaposition isn't it- peace across from military. Hrm- somebody was thinking when they did that one.

We had a long trip home- our ferry was delayed. but I'm back in brighton safe and sound working hard and avoiding homework like the pro that I am.

and i've got other things to think about. England truly is a Temptation Island.

Zoe and Kate-the two women who run the american office here in brighton and the contacts through USAC (which is the program I used to get here)- and I were talking about me staying another year. Oy vay. Then today this lovely girl Suki who I work with at the bar suggested that I live with her next year in a house. She kept reinerating that she wasn't joking either. AND THEN I sat down with this lovely girl steph and our friend matt and steph turned to me and said- "I really think you should stay another year." ALL OVER THE PLACE I TELL YOU.

so I looked at what I need for my fafsa next year- and am contemplating. Nothing concrete yet- and I'm still almost positive that I'll come home after this year- but people have been making me think.

I have a few problems with staying. One of course being that I miss all my lovely friends and family in the states, and another year away from my niece and nephew might just be impossible. Another is the money issue- do I want to spend money on another year here, when I will certainly need it for either the peace corp, i to i, TEFL or graduate school so soon after I get my bachelors. The hardest to deal with is the ever present fear that I am running from something and this is just a big beautiful way of me hiding from whatever "it" is. Then I'm not even certain that I could stay through USAC for another year. And what about graduating- I don't have that many credits left and certainly several of them are not offered here....lots to think about.

in good news though- I'm going to try (with lots of peoples help) to organize a performance of the Vagina Monologues here at the University of Brighton. And I get to be a part of this huge event put on here for World AIDS day (which is December 1st for those of you who don't know). I will keep everyone updated on the goings-on of my life. Still looking for mail and e-mails from anybody bored. I do miss everyone. do take care all of you and until next time

-shavawn