crap, complete and utter rubbish

I've just read my thesis, I think, for the first time since I wrote it and the title of this bloggity blog refers to this text.

ick ick ick.

I should post it up here for everyone to read and be disgusted by.

what's worse is that it, I'm sure like so many other projects or endeavors, begins with such high hopes, such extraordinary aspirations. but I didn't put the work in. at all.

gross gross gross.

and this really isn't a case of me being my harshest critic. Nope- my advisor even thought it was crap...or as she so lovingly and delicately put it...incomplete.

I think I'm going to rewrite it. My advisor asked me to then, but I was so involved in my impending move back to the U.K. that I didn't take the time. She gave me an out and I took it.

Now. Now that England has fallen through, and I'm unbelievably uncertain of my ability to be a critical and decisive being at all, now I need to revise.

or perhaps entirely rewrite, reconceptualize, rethink.

or just do.

I'm pitiful when it comes to action. I call myself and activist...but I don't act. I very rarely do.

I am not a baby-making-machine

The pregnancy police are watching you

In the US, women of child-bearing age are being advised to consider themselves 'pre-pregnant' at all times, by giving up smoking, drinking and drugs. What are the implications of treating people as glorified incubators, asks Diane Taylor

Monday September 4, 2006
The Guardian

When Regina McKnight, of South Carolina, went to her local hospital to give birth in May 1999, she prayed that the baby would be healthy. She had good reason to worry. Since her mother had been killed by a hit-and-run driver the previous year McKnight had begun smoking crack. She was naturally devastated when the baby was stillborn - and shocked, five months later, to be charged with homicide. Prosecutors argued that smoking crack had caused the stillbirth and that McKnight should therefore be classed as a murderer.

Despite medically disputed evidence about the role cocaine had played in the tragedy, McKnight went on to become the first woman in US history to be convicted of foetal homicide by child abuse. An appeal to the US Supreme Court failed and she is serving a 12-year jail term.

In the US, more than 20 states now define drug use by an expectant mother as child abuse, neglect or even torture, while The Unborn Victims of Violence Act, passed by Congress in 2004, argues that foetuses are separate persons under the law, with rights independent of the pregnant woman. Any aspect of a pregnant woman's behaviour that might risk foetal health - except of course abortion - is therefore open to punishment in the courts. And last May, legislators in Arkansas proposed making it, not just a matter of social and moral oppobrium, but an offence worthy of prosecution for a pregnant woman to smoke a single cigarette.

New federal guidelines issued this year ask any woman capable of conceiving to treat themselves - and to be treated by their health-care provider - as "pre-pregnant" at all times. Women between their first menstrual period and the menopause are told to take folic acid supplements, stop smoking, stop drinking regularly, maintain a healthy weight and keep chronic conditions such as asthma and diabetes under control; not primarily for their own health but to protect any baby that they may or may not be planning to have. They're also advised to steer clear of lead-based paint and cat faeces - a problem for any "pre-pregnant" folk whose household chores include cleaning the litter tray. There is no mention of "pre- fertilisers", ie, fathers, taking similar steps to ensure their sperm are healthy, despite studies that suggest male alcoholism can cause birth defects in children.

The rationale for the guidelines is that half of all pregnancies are unplanned and that the US has a higher infant mortality rate than most other industrialised nations. At the moment there is no talk of criminal sanctions against women who fail to comply with the pre-pregnancy guidance but it's another worrying sign that US women are expected to treat themselves as incubators first, individuals second. And the onward march of foetal harm legislation suggests that it's not entirely Orwellian to suspect that women might, in future, be criminalised for any indulgent behaviour before a pregnancy - as well as during - that ends up harming their child.

Lynn Paltrow, executive director of the New York-based group, National Advocates for Pregnant Women, believes that hatred of women is at the root of the trend. "It's linked to 30 years of vicious anti-abortion rhetoric that describes women who terminate pregnancies as murderers," she says. "You can't have that level of hateful rhetoric and just limit it to abortion. Once pregnant women are seen as capable of heinous crimes like murder, they are dehumanised."

Of course, it's obviously far better for a developing foetus if an expectant mother gives up drinking, smoking and taking drugs. But while it seems no expense is spared to prosecute and jail women addicts, far too little is spent on getting them appropriate treatment. And the women involved in these cases are almost always those most in need of support - there have been no stories of children dragged from rich Manhattan mothers who choose to snort a few lines of coke before breakfast. Those targeted are disproportionately black and poor. And all the sound and fury about the highly prized foetus evaporates once it is no longer in utero: children of drug-addicted mothers are often dumped in foster placements, where study after study has shown they have little chance of thriving.

This attitude to pregnant women shows signs of crossing the Atlantic. The behaviour of expectant mothers has never been more closely scrutinised or criticised, with both Kate Garraway and Kerry Katona having been attacked by the tabloids in recent months after being pictured with a cigarette plus baby bump. And some sources have proposed measures that aim to ensure that transgressive women can't conceive. In a recent paper, Professor Neil McKeganey of Glasgow University, a specialist in the social effects of drug misuse, suggested that "paying female drug users to use long-term contraception is one ... incentive that we may need to consider if we fail to reduce the level of unwanted pregnancies by drug users by other means". In a separate development, Labour MSP Duncan McNeil has proposed adding oral contraceptive to prescription methadone.

Dr Mary Hepburn, who runs the Glasgow Women's Reproductive Health Service supports women with social problems during pregnancy and after birth. What she finds most disturbing is the blanket condemnation applied to drug-using mothers.

"The gap between the rich and the poor is growing," she says, "and so is the gap between the poor and the very poor. A lot of the problems the women I work with experience are caused by poverty rather than by drugs in isolation. A punitive approach towards them will drive them underground, which won't be good for them or their babies."

When it comes to drug- or alcohol-addicted expectant mothers, obviously the ideal way forward is for them to seek treatment. Even for the richest people, addiction is supremely difficult to tackle, but for those from the lowest socio-economic groups the depredations that have led to them becoming drug-users generally make it extremely hard for them to give up. In the current US climate, though, the punitive approach towards pregnant women - in which women have been dragged to prison cells, hours after giving birth to a healthy baby, still haemorrhaging but having tested positive for drugs - means that few are likely to seek treatment. Who would take that risk if it meant the possibility of prosecution, a jail term and your child being removed from your care?

As Paltrow says: "The US has a phenomenal disregard for the wellbeing of families. Almost every problem is seen as one of personal responsibility rather than social or community responsibility." And the punitive approach to pregnant mothers emphasises this, legislating against women who might otherwise seek help for their personal problems.

In the last couple of decades laws targeting some of the US's most vulnerable women have crept inexorably, state by state, across the country, and now the institution of pre-pregnancy guidelines brings the spectre of women facing even wider punishment. In the UK we need to be vigilant to ensure that, in similar situations, pregnant women receive support - rather than a prison sentence.

We need to be talking about this. I'm sure as hell not some incubator for a baby....nor do I want to ever see people WHO ACTUALLY WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN treated as though they are incubators first. This is just wrong. Has it been too long since the Handmaids Tale was required reading? Has no one thought about the consequences of treating women as objects for reproduction? Is no one talking about this?

Please give me your thoughts on this article. Did any of you know that people were being arrested for foetal homicide? I can't believe it.

and I also find the whole idea of handing out condoms at methodone clinics is just weird. I functionally and rationally understand why it's a good idea to stop people who are currently addicted from getting pregnant both for the user and their child's sake....but doesn't it seem a bit like Indira fucking Gandhi running around sterilizing the untouchables? Trying to eliminate a portion of the population by making it impossible to procreate...isn't this part of what the Nazi's were doing to the Jews?

Is that really a way that we want to "solve" the problem of drug addiction...by stoping addicted users from having babies?

I do believe that pregnant women who have chosen to keep the child should be OFFERED all the help they can get in order to get them off drugs, or to help them get the nutritian that they need, or parenting classes so they can be responsible parents. They do not need to be harrassed or treated as baby-making-machines or thrown in prison because of an addiction.

and of course this entire thing is so unbelievably gendered that I want to pull my hair out. They even make note in the article that future fertilizers aren't required to change their habits or get help for their addictions because they might someday become a father. IS everyone so blind to the double standard we have in America....not only in this instance but in almost every instance when it comes to men and women? Don't women still make only 75cents to a man's dollar for the same work? And on the other side only men have mandatory conscription to the army. And unfortunately (despite our so-called push towards family values in this country) only women can get pregnancy leave- though ideally we would have both parents helping to raise the child, rather than putting the burden on only one.

This is obviously something I could go on forever about, and something that needs to be discussed more often.

so please. weigh in.

where I'm supposed to be.

First. Go here

Second these are the top 24 U.S. Cities I should live in according to www.findmyspot.com


1)Hartford, Connecticut

2)Portland, Oregon

3)Providence, Rhode Island

4)Boston, Massachusetts

5)Worcester, Massachusetts

6)New Haven, Connecticut

7)Eugene, Oregon

8)Danbury, Connecticut

9)Little Rock, Arkansas

10)Corvallis, Oregon

11)Baltimore, Maryland

12)Washington D.C.

13)San Fransisco, California

14)Honolulu, Hawaii

15)San Jose, California

16)Salem, Oregon

17)Sheboygan, Wisconsin

18)Charleston, West Virginia

19)Fayetteville, Arkansas

20)Cape Cod, Massachusettes

21)Medford,Oregon

22)Sante Fe, New Mexico

23)Milwaukee, Minnesota

24)Santa Cruz, California

I am partial to 2,4,12,14 and 19. I am only realistically attracted to 2 and 19. The rest are just dreams.

any votes?

She's got everything she needs. she's an artist. she dont' look back.

my new friend merritt is beyond lovely. she is actually....unbelievable.

i'm a big fan.

so that's what's been happening lately.

good good.

The start of something Great

Children play at school in a camp for internally displaced people in Darfur, Sudan. © AI


45 years ago on May 28 (my day of birth 24 years ago) Amnesty International began.

In honor of their 45th Anniversary I have sent 25 letters and 40 emails calling for action regarding all of AI's current campaigns. That is my birthday present to them.

If, by chance you're thinking of me on my birthday- if you'd like to give me a gift- go here and read about some of the things AI is doing and maybe even send an e-mail or two. They make it easy, and it would be an awesome gift to know that some of you even went to the page. So read the article below- which is the article that started AI and visit the page and have a lovely memorial day weekend


The article by Peter Benenson published in the "The Observer"May 28, 1961. You can also go here for a properly formatted article.

OPEN your newspaper any day of the week and you will find a report from somewhere in the world of someone being imprisoned, tortured or executed because his opinions or religion are unacceptable to his government. There are several million such people in prison - by no means all of them behind the Iron and Bamboo Curtains - and their numbers are growing. The newspaper reader feels a sickening sense of impotence. Yet if these feelings of disgust all over the world could be united into common action, something effective could be done.

In 1945 the founder members of the United Nations approved the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Article 18.- Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion: this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom either alone or in company with others in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.

Article 19.- Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression: this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any media and regardless of frontiers.

There is at present no sure way of finding out how many countries permit their citizens to enjoy these two fundamental freedoms. What matters is not the rights that exist on paper in the Constitution, but whether they can be exercised and enforced in practice. No government, for instance, is at greater pains to emphasize its constitutional guarantees than the Spanish, but it fails to apply them.

There is a growing tendency all over the world to disguise the real grounds upon which "non-conformists" are imprisoned. In Spain, students who circulate leaflets calling for the right to hold discussions on current affairs are charged with "military rebellion." In Hungary, Catholic priests who have tried to keep their choir schools open have been charged with "homosexuality."

These cover-up charges indicate that governments are by no means insensitive to the pressure of outside opinion. And when world opinion is concentrated on one weak spot, it can sometimes succeed in making a government relent. For instance, the Hungarian poet Tibor Dery was recently released after the formation of "Tibor Dery committees" in many countries; and Professor Tierno Galvan and his literary friends were acquitted in Spain this March, after the arrival of some distinguished foreign observers.London office to gather factsThe important thing is to mobilise public opinion quickly, and widely, before a government is caught up in the vicious spiral caused by its own repression, and is faced with impending civil war. By then the situation will have become too desperate for the government to make concessions. The force of opinion, to be effective, should be broadly based, international, non-sectarian and all-party. Campaigns in favour of freedom brought by one country, or party, against another, often achieve nothing but an intensification of persecution.That is why we have started 'Appeal for Amnesty, 1961'. The campaign, which opens to-day, is the result of an initiative by a group of lawyers, writers and publishers in London, who share the underlying conviction expressed by Voltaire: "I detest your views, but am prepared to die for your right to express them."We have set up an office in London to collect information about the names, numbers, and conditions of what we have decided to call "Prisoners of Conscience;" and we define them thus: "Any person who is physically restrained (by imprisonment or otherwise) from expressing (in any form of words or symbols) any opinion which he honestly holds and which does not advocate or condone personal violence."We also exclude those people who have conspired with a foreign government to overthrow their own. Our office will from time to time hold Press conferences to focus attention on Prisoners of Conscience selected impartially from different parts of the world. And it will provide factual information to any group, existing or new, in any part of the world, which decides to join in a special effort in favor of freedom of opinion or religion.In October a Penguin Special called "Persecution 1961" will be published as part of our Amnesty campaign. In it are stories of nine men and women from different parts of the world, of varying political and religious outlook, who have been suffering imprisonment for expressing their opinions. None of them is a professional politician; all of them are professional people. The opinions which have brought them to prison are the common coinage of argument in free society.

Poet flogged in front of family.

One story is of the revolting brutality with which Angola's leading poet, Agostino Neto, was treated before the present disturbances there broke out. Dr. Neto was one of the five African doctors in Angola. His efforts to improve the health services for his fellow Africans were unacceptable to the Portugese. In June last year the Political Police marched into his house, had him flogged in front of his family and then dragged away. He has since been in the Cape Verde Isles without charge or trial.

From Romania, we shall print the story of Constatin Noica, the philosopher, who was sentenced to twenty-five years' imprisonment because, while "rusticated," his friends and pupils continued to visit him, to listen to his talk on philosophy and literature.The book will also tell of the Spanish lawer, Antonio Amat, who tried to build a coalition of democratic groups, and has been in trial since November, 1958; and of two white men persecuted by their own race for preaching that colored races should have equal rights - Ashton Jones, the sixty-five-year-old minister, who last year was repeatedly beaten-up and three times imprisoned in Lousiana and Texas for doing what the Freedom Riders are now doing in Alabama; and Patrick Duncan, the son of a former South African Governer-General, who, after three stays in prison, has just been served with an order forbidding him from attending or addressing any meeting for five years.'Find out who is in gaol'

The technique of publicising the personal stories of a number of prisoners of contrasting politics is a new one. It has been adopted to avoid the fate of previous amnesty campaigns, which so often have become more concerned with publicising the political views of the imprisoned than with humanitarian purposes.How can we discover the state of freedom in the world to-day? The American philosopher, John Dewey, once said, "If you want to establish some conception of a society, go find out who is in gaol." This is hard advice to follow, because there are few governments which welcome inquiries about the number of Prisoners of Conscience they hold in prison. But another test of freedom one can apply is whether the Press is allowed to criticise the government. Even many democratic governments are surprisingly sensitive to Press criticism. In France, General de Gaulle has intensived newspaper seizures, a policy he inherited from the Fourth Republic. In Britian and the United States occasional attempts are made to draw the sting of Press criticism by the technique of taking editors into confidence about a "security secret," as in the Blake spy case.Within the British Commonwealth, the Government of Ceylon has launched an attack on the Press, and is threatening to take the whole industry under public control. In Pakistan the Press is at the mercy of the Martial Law administration. In Ghana, the opposition Press operates under great disabilities. In South Africa, which leaves the Commonwealth on Wednesday, the government is planning further legislation to censor publications. Outside the Commonwealth, Press freedom is especially in peril in Indonesia, the Arab World, and Latin American countries such as Cuba. In the Communist world, and in Spain and Portugal, Press criticism of the Government is rarely tolerated.Churchill's dictum on democracyAnother test of freedom is whether the government permits a political opposition. The post-war years have seen the spread of "personal regimes" across Asia and Africa. Wherever an opposition party is prevented from putting up candidates, or from verifying election results, much more than its own future is at stake. Multi-party elections may be cumbruos in practice, and the risk of coalitions makes for unstable government; but no other way has yet been found to guarantee freedom to minorities or safety to non-conformists. Whatever truth there may be in the old remark that democracy does not fit well with emergent nationalism, we should also remember Winston Churchill's dictum: "Democracy is a damned bad system of government, but nobody has thought of a better."

A fourth test of freedom is, whether those accused of offences against the State receive a speedy and public trial before an impartial court: whether they are allowed to call witnesses, and whether their lawyer is able to present the defence in the way he thinks best. In recent years there has been a regrettable trend in some of those countries that take pride in possessing an independent judiciary: by declaring a state of emergency and taking their opponents into "preventative detention," governments have side-stepped the need to make and prove criminal charges. At the other extreme there is the enthusiasm in Soviet countries to set up institutions which, though called courts, are really nothing of the sort. The so-called "comradely courts" in the U.S.S.R., which have the power to deal with "parasites," are in essence little more than departments of the Ministry of Labor, shifting "square pegs" to empty holes in Siberia. In China the transmigration of labor by an allegedly judicial process is on a gigantic scale.

The most rapid way of bringing relief to Prisoners of Conscience is publicity, especially publicity among their fellow-citizens. With the pressure of emergent nationalism and the tensions of the Cold War, there are bound to be situations where governmetns are led to take emergency measures to protect their existence. It is vital that public opinions should insist that these measures should not be excessive, nor prolonged after the moment of danger. If the emergency is to last a long time, then a government should be induced to allow its opponents out of prison, to seek asylum abroad.Frontier control more efficient.

Although there are no statistics, it is likely that recent years have seen a steady decrease in the number of people reaching asylum. This is not so much due to the unwillingness of other countries to offer shelter, as to the greatly increased efficiency of frontier control, which to-day makes it harder for people to get away. Attempts to reach agreement on a workable international convention on asylum at the United Nations have dragged on for many years with little result.

There is also the problem of labour restrictions on immigrants in many countries. So long as work is not available in "host" countries, the right of asylum is largely empty. 'Appeal for Amnesty, 1961', aims to help towards providing suitable employment for poltical and religious refugees. It would be good if in each "host" country a central employment office for these people could be set up with the co-operation of the employers' federations, the trade unions and the Ministry of Labour.

In Britain there are many firms willing to give out translation and correspondence work to refugees, but no machinery to link supply with demand. Those regimes that refuse to allow their nationals to seek asylum on the ground that they go abroad only to conspire, might be less reluctant if they knew that, on arrival, the refugess would not be kicking their feet in idle frustration.

The members of the Council of Europe have agreed a Convention of Human Rights, and set up a commission to secure its enforcement. Some countries have accorded to their citizens the right to approach the commission individually. But some, including Britian, have refused to accept the jurisdiction of the commission over individual complaints, and France has refused to ratify the Convention at all. Public opinion should insist on the establishment of effective supra-national machinery not only in Europe but on similar lines in other continents.This is an especially suitable year for an Amnesty Campaign. It is the centenary of President Lincoln's inauguration, and of the beginning of the Civil War which ended with the liberation of the American slaves; it is also the centenary of the decree that emancipated the Russian serfs. A hundred years ago Mr. Gladstone's budget swept away the oppressive duties on newsprint and so enlarged the range and freedom of the Press; 1861 marked the end of the tyranny of King "Bomba" of Naples, and the creation of a united Italy; it was also the year of the death of Lacordaire, the French Dominican opponent of Bourbon and Orleanist oppression.

The success of the 1961 Amnesty Campaign depends on how sharply and powerfully it is possible to rally public opinion. It depends, too, upon the campaign being all-embracing in its composition, international in character and politically impartial in direction. Any group is welcome to take part which is prepared to condemn persecution regardless of where it occurs, who is responsible or what are the ideas suppressed. How much can be achieved when men and women of good will unite was shown during World Refugee Year. Inevitably most of the action called for by 'Appeal for Amnesty, 1961', can only be taken by governments. Experience shows that in matters such as these, governments are prepared to follow only where public opinion leads. Pressure of opinion a hundred years ago brought about the emancipation of the slaves. It is now for man to insist upon the same freedom for his mind as he has won for his body.

Appeal for Amnesty, 1961: THE AIMS
1. To work impartially for the release of those imprisioned for their opinions.
2. To seek for them a fair and public trial.
3. To enlarge the Right of Asylum and help political refugees to find work.
4. To urge effective international machinery to guarantee freedom of opinion.

To these ends, an office has been set up in London to collect and publish information about Prisoners of Conscience all over the world. The first Press Conference of the campaign will be held to-morrow, where will include three M.P.s, John Foster, Q.C. (Con.), F. Elwyn Jones, Q.C. (Lab.), and Jeremy Thorpe (Lib.). All offers of help and information should be sent to: Appeal for Amnesty, 1, Mitre Court Buildings, Temple, E.C.4.
-PETER BENENSON

solitude

so, I was looking for a picture that represented solitude and opportunity and this about does it.

For those of you who don't know...I moved back to Nevada in December of 05. I have lived in Reno since then and I am working for a Non Profit that does lots and lots of good work. I have my own apartment and am having a really nice time being out of school and practicing at being a responsible adult.

I chose the solitude idea to talk about today because last night I turned off all the lights in my place and put on an old cd I had made for a friend called "for when you're lost" and just sat and thought and listened until the whole cd was finished.

I enjoyed this so very much, that solitude...that simplicity, that I think I'm going to make a habit of doing that at least once a month.

While listening and thinking I found myself really at peace.

I imagine I had been avoiding this blog for several reasons- many of them having to do with facing my own fears about being back in america, about failure, about irresponsibility, about judgement and perceptions about me.

But last night I was happy and alone and happy to be alone- and that is really rare for me.

It's not so daunting to think that I've been back in Reno for almost 5 months now- nor so daunting to think that I have no idea when I'm going to leave.

I've got lots and lots of daunting things to think about- mostly financial...but i'm doing pretty good about managing that part of my life better. And my parents were right that when you sort money matters it really feels like a weight is lifted. Even for someone like me who really hates the entire concept of money and wealth and the accumulation of it. It's still something I have to think about...and I really really am thinking about it now. Almost too much, but it's a nice contrast to the times when I never thought about it or the consequences of not managing my finances.

Besides money matters I'm spending a lot of time trying to learn things on my own...outside the classroom. And I'm thoroughly enjoying that.

While I was in London I became a bit obsessed with the Democratic Republic of Congo and that has flourished into a healthy appetite for as much knowledge, information, perspective and understanding of not only the DRC but much of the rest of Africa as well.

I think I've always known that I want to help people- that's been a core value behind every class I've ever taken and every organization I've ever been a part of. For a while, that idea became something I wanted to do as best as possible- which is why I went into Critical Theory. Because I have some pretty severe worries about helping people without actually helping them. The band-aid, something to cover up a wound but not necessarily heal it. And I found a lot of extraordinary information in my short period of studying Critical theory...enough for me to know that I could get entrenched there and never come out. So I left, without really knowing if I would come back. I'm still not sure if an MA in Cultural and Critical Studies is what I need to help people. I'm beginning to believe that what I could learn there needs to be done outside of a classroom and inside my own head- because ultimately I don't think I'm smart enough or capable enough or logical enough or rational enough to be a critical theorist- I think i'd rather do the hands-on stuff.

So back to my wanting to help people. my first step towards the realization of my goal to help people- is to help myself.

which is what brings me to Reno, NV and a steady job and a clearer focus on my finances and my health.

so that's a little update for today.

Perhaps tomorrow I'll speak more about the extraordinary circumstance of this day- happening all around me.

till then. thanks for listening.

long vacation

So I think I've been afraid of writing in this here little blog, for whatever reason.

I mostly just wanted to post some pictures.

First one's Morsa and Hazel.

next is the new place.

and lastly my beautiful best friend on her 24th birthday.

that's all for now.