so, i have decided to let this little blog here atrophe. These muscles are for something else. So if you're reading and you want to keep getting updates- you can e-mail me at shavawnmarie@hotmail.com. I might give you a link to another place or I might just write you personal e-mails. I'm not certain. But this space, for now, is inactive. perhaps i'll pick it back up when I return to europe. Thanks for reading. goodnight

i'm back in carson city. which is not where i was from- but it has a hint of familliarity. I miss people and smells and the weather and so many things. I just wanted to write somethign in here- in case people are still reading. I'm thinking that I will have to find a different venue for this- a different journal or blog or blurty so that i can know who is listening. Shot out to Aubrey.
 
 
i'm trying to find a job and trying to find a way to move to reno and trying to decide exactly what my plans are. i'm very uninspired right now so i'm going to stop- but know that i'm safe and surviving.

oy i'm off to romania today- in something like two hours. It's been an interesting couple of weeks. I've said almost all my goodbyes and i'm still not crying. I've got this disgusting sinking feeling in my stomach- but no tears. I'm excited to see everyone at home and extremely excited about romania- probably because i have no idea what we are going to do there. Good company makes good times, though, so i'm not worried. im drinking the most gigantic cup of tea right now(not my last in england as nick and aubrey pointed out) and just delaying things. I decided that my computer would be the last thing to be packed up- in fact the only thing in my room right now that has anything to do with me- is this computer. It's odd that the disconnection of an inanimate object has become the penultimate symbol of my rapidly-approaching disconnection from england- at least for a while. I thought of putting a rip-off of a poem i received from a friend of mine up on the wall. It's about leaving a place you've been for so long that parts of you have seeped into the fabric- and readying this new place for the next "bright body". It's entitled Apartment #8 I think i'd give it the subtitle (or room number one for these purposes) but i'm sure the housing people would tear it down and throw it away. It's the effort- they say- that counts- but i feel like i just can't be bothered. i've started to calculate how quickly my englishisms will disipate, and the thought of that makes me very very sad.

I'm still quite pissed off that someone had this idea of going abroad for just a year. It's absurd- it's just not enough time. COMMIT good friends, I say COMMIT to some kind of change. This is like growing an appendage and then slowly watching it atrophe. I'm just bickering- i've had an inexplicable time here. I'm ready for the newness of old things. and that being said- i'm ready for some entirely new things. Looking forward to building a context of romania and watching my worldview grow.

know this: I am happy, lucky, well nourished, loved, and so very grateful. until next time

cheers,

s

so may.

Yes i arrived safely from egypt. I had a fantastic time and have a cd full of pictures for everyone to look at. I wish i knew how to post pictures on here- if that is at all possible. I'm sure that if i would just take the time I would be able to figure out how to do that. Other things are occupying my time. One of them being my inability to spell anything correctly.

But for seriousness. I am outlining the four papers i must write in order to pass my four classes this semester. I'm getting ready for my return to the states. I'm organizing a trip to (only) romania in the summer and i'm watching the sun rise right now.

I've registered for classes back home- unfortunately i didn't get into a poetry class i was vying for. But because of this class i have reaquainted myself with some of my poetry and i've been doing some interesting things with it.

I will graduate- assuming that unr doesn't mess things ups- in may of oh five (i've started to write it like that because i think it's funny).

I'm pretty frustrated right now- lots of stuff is happening but not a lot is getting done. and the ball of frustration is making me unable to sleep- it's like heartburn but worse.

I'm suddenly really weirded out because i have no idea who may or may not be reading this. It's a strange thing to not know you're audience. Oh well.

I've done a tiny bit of research into grad schools in the UK with cultural studies MA's and PhD's. I'm fairly certain that i'm going to jump right into grad school after I get my BA.

I'm really trying to build a center for myself right now. Figure out what i want- where i'm going and of course delving into who i am.

it's been over a month since i wrote in here i think- and i'm certain that tons of things have happened in that month- but either I don't find them interesting enough to write in here- or I don't have the discipline to sit down and write about it all. I think the latter rather than the former is true.

So this is an interesting entry. some kind of an update. But here you go.

it's very windy outside right now- although somehow overnight everything grew leaves and buds of flowers and turned all variations of hot-green, and yellow.

off to egypt. love you all.

well this will make some people (perhaps) slightly happier, my parents namely, but I'm fairly certain i've scrapped the trans siberian plans I had.

For about two weeks now i've been spending my time almost exclusively with two lovely men I've met. Without getting into too much detail there was much kicking around of plastic objects, playing of pac-man in well lit car parks at 2am, and brilliant, vivid and thoughtful conversation. Nick, a Bristolian, lives in the flat next door and I met him while persuing some other interests. He is charming and tender and one of the kindest people i've ever met. I met Andrei, a romanian exchange student, through Nick. I stumbled upon them in the common room of flat 23 whilst appologizing to Nick for putting off our plans to see a film, yet again. A film, might I add, that we still haven't seen.

The company I found in them, the joy and introspection catalyzed by them, and the pure bliss of being inside a place so full of goodness has made me reexamine my travel plans.

Andrei, having completed his studies here at Brighton (all too soon for my liking) has returned to Romania (or will in a few hours).
While preparing for his departure Nick and I began discussing possible times to visit, and seeing as I have absolutely no context of Romania (just as i have little context of siberia) we've drafted tentative plans to visit in June. Perhaps with a stopover in Prague first, and a wisking away of Andrei to Krakow.

This rash decision comes at a time where it is financially more advantageous to make plans further in the future to visit siberia and china, and instead stick to the places much closer to what is home now.

My deposit for the trip will be refunded and I can stop worrying about flights to and from the train journey, and how to ship my extra suitcase back to the states. I will be able to carry them with me, when i return from europe.

Also, this choice provides me with more space to fully understand the gravity of leaving England after having been here for so long. I will have more time to visit my English friends I've made here, and also have more time with the americans i've grown to love.

I realized that a lot of my trans siberian fantasy revolved around the idea of goind as far away as possible, and until recently this seemed like an acceptable way to leave this experience.

But with my friend Suki, deciding to leave university here at Brighton and return to london and several of my american friends deciding to stay here in england, not to mention Andrei's return to Romania, England has become much more than just "elsewhere" -the place I was escaping to. It feels much more like home.
So, I've decided to stay home, or close to home for a bit longer instead of running away again.

I'm not sure than in the end I will have actually saved any money by choosing England for a bit longer, and eastern Europe, but I do know that this choice gives me more time to be with the people I've come to love before I return to my beloved family and friends.

The trans siberian train ride would have been epic and challenging and vastly different than anything I've ever done, or anything anyone i've ever known has done. But it would have been done alone, and while I see so much value in that kind of journey, today I choose people, interactions, conversation, and communion.

today i've chosen to let all the feelings rush in, all the sadness and disappointment and that sense of loss that comes with leaving a place you've come to know as home. In some senses my trans siberian plans were an attempt to shut off that feeling.

It was a way to prevent investment, a thwarting of engagement with Brighton and England and the beautiful people around me.

Instead of jumping the first train out of Dodge, i'm gonna stick around for a bit. Let myself sink into the soil, leave more than just my hairs littered around this countryside, allow a part of myself to live in this place right now, and for as long as possible.

i've got some work. it's election time at the university so i've got some hours working the ballot box. fun stuff I say. 21 days till i leave for egypt. when I count them it seems like so far away- but it isn't really. I've also discovered that the Glastonbury Music Festival (englands biggest) happens the last weekend I'll be in England- so I'm thinking of going to it, and soaking up the music before i fly to St. Petersburg. Generally that's all that's been happening. I have four classes now, had to drop one, it was too confusing and it was a fourth year course and here- everybody in that class has been through the exact same classes for the past three years- so yeah- it's difficult. I'm doing well though- getting over (fingers crossed) a head cold.

there is a place about half a mile from my flat- where time seems to stop. There are woods near my flat and if you walk to the other side of them- they open into these glorious hills and it feels like time stops there- there aren't a lot of sounds and the hills seem to never end, and they all look alike, they all are planted with the same kind of grass and they look identical. it's an eerie sight but beautiful. and then you turn around and there are the woods- completely messy and diverse and no tree looks the same, some are old and with branches growing back into the ground- as though it didn't like what it saw outside the earth and just wanted to return to its home, some with narley branches that get lost within themselves, all variations of the colors green and brown and endless mystery. Standing on the border of these two places is holy.

this evening instead of going out for sunday roast dinner, Meagen- the goddess in room number 7 made us (from scratch) a roast chicken dinner- complete with homemade foccacia bread and this monstrous chocolate cake. She used no mixes or anything like that- she just cooked us food (all 16 of us) from scratch. She's amazing. We're trying to figure out a way to keep her happy all the time so that she'll be inclined to make us roast every week, or every other week.

I don't care that I don't have a job. And i've finally booked my Trans-Siberian trip. Paid for and everything. I will have circumvented (i think thats the word) the globe when i get back to reno. Which includes a visit to 3 continents that i haven't previously explored. Lovely Kristen from Kansas is talking about taking time off after we both graduate in 2005 and going to south america, as besides antartica it will be the only continent we won't have been to. Sounds good to me.

I dont' want to admit it, but I've been fighting off somekind of bug for the past week. Something about admitting an illness gives it strength somehow.

I had classes this week- well two to be specific, of the five. This week students and lecturers alike were protesting fee's the government is trying to impose upon them- so three classes were cancelled. I can't say i was broken hearted about this. In fact it's made this week quite nice. Oh and happy leap year.

I need to lie down so my stomach can settle, so happy birthday dad (yesterday) and i hope all is well elsewhere.

i'm hillariously inconsistant. I actually quit that job i mentioned last post the day after i started it. Aweful things they wanted us to do. Right now I've sort of applied for another position within the same company and we'll see how that works out.
I start school on tuesday and have just finished reading the golden notebook, by doris lessing. So good. I love when that happens- when i'm made to read good books. It's much better than the alternative. I can never think of anything to write in here. I could talk about my adventures - however i haven't really been having any and if i did write about what i'd been doing it would go a bit like this.... woke up hung around the flat a bit- thought i should read, went into town, got bored walking around, hate walking around with people who want to be shopping ( it's their right to want to shop- i just hate that feeling of pressure when you're having a nice walk) went to the grocery store, came home, watched television- you've been framed (like america's funniest home video's), weakest link and the simpsons, made dinner, asked what everyone was doing that night- if they say they're going into town i stay home, if they're goign to the uni bar i think about it and most likely agree, we go to the bar, play a couple of games of pool, chew the fat and never really talk about anything, enjoy one another's company, come home when the bar closes, stay up checking my e-mail and waiting/hoping for people from home to be online, read a bit more, check on flight prices from beijing to los angelos, go to sleep etc.

i want to be going to movies- independent ones and talking walks in the fields behind my flat, and having good conversation about things that matter without feeling like i'm going to allienate or offend someone, i want to be reading faster and more efficiently, and exercising more, writing more and better, but for so many of those things i feel like i need someone else to do them with me or someone to coax me into doing it. Even though i put up a sign above my bed last week that says "no one is coming" i'm still waiting, for whomever to come make me have fun, make me do the things i want to do, make me grow and learn and make me happy. it's really quite stupid, but this is something i struggle with all the time. and the solution is just for me to get up and do things- but instead i wait.

the next thing i'd like to do is write about all the new american's who've moved in and how i feel about them- etc, what we've been doing and past adventures. but not right now- right now it's bedtime. thanks to everyone who is still reading. g'night

start a new job on monday and found out i am still employed by the university although not necessarily at the bar. they will give me work whenever possible. I bought a book on egypt and have been reading. also been reading the golden notebook by doris lessing. a brilliant book- if you're interested in literature you should definitely check it out. thats about it. reading and being lazy and not celebrating valentines day. hope everyone has a lovely weekend

egypt is confirmed and paid for. I'm going to see the great pyramid, the sphinx, float down the nile (from south to north) spend my day in what used to be the city of thebes and explore a country whose civilization lasted longer than any other thus far. I'm buying the histories tomorrow by herodotus and a book on egypt- so that I can understand further where I am going. I will admit that for a moment I was scared. Scared to go to egypt because I am an american, scared because I am white, and scared because I know so little about modern egyptian culture. But i am learning- or soon to be. Just thought I'd update.

still no job, but hopefully I'll have one soon.

so the big news is I lost my job. Apparently the bar is owned by the student union who hasn't been managing money very well for the past three years...so they had to cut 5 people from the bar staff, and because i'm not going to live here after june they just figured that it'd be a waste of time to keep me on.

and now i move on.

job hunting tomorrow. hopefully a good paying one that will finance a new venture of mine.

been fantasizing about africa a lot.

if all goes well I'll be employed and on my way to egypt for spring break. this of course is weighed heavily on the fact that without job there will be no egypt, for me at least.

if it does work out though I will have been to four of the seven continents in the world when i get back to the states. it's a pretty exciting idea for me.

I'm glad to be working though- the idea of having a job that happens more than just twice a week is pretty exciting. I don't mind work when I'm working for something that I want.

Don't know if I'll stick to bar work (several places are looking for bartenders) or if I'll try something totally new.

as of right now I have absolutely nothing to do- i.e. no school and no work. for a month. oh and fixing my computer- which died late last night for some reason. fun fun stuff.

and my phone will send me voicemail messages but won't ring.

the past couple of days have been HIGHLY enjoyable, despite the loss of job, broken computer and potential thwarting of my travel plans.

i really enjoy that word...thwarting - couldn't tell you if it's spelled correctly or not, but man it's fun to say.

one extremely good thing that happened was I discovered that if I book my trans siberian trip before march uh 15th I think it cost's about one thousand us dollars less than if i book it later. YAY. Oh and I filled out my fafsa and my university scholarship application ON TIME. which seems amazing to me.

oh and I'm delighted to not only, be missing the superbowl, but to not even know who's playing. it's a good feeling. puts things into perspective.

Happy anniversary Matt and Nic and happy birthday tomorrow Matt.

well I love and miss you all. Hope you're all doing well.

-from another country

so class number four is: Language, Literature and culture. It's basically a linguistic's class but it will count towards my degree at home- which is helpful.

and class number five (i know- five classes) is Dimensions of the sacred: basically a class examining religious symbols, myths and cultural influences. I don't know if this will count for anything but it deals with literature of specific religions and also the social issues that are prompted by religions- or spiritualities. I think it'll make me a better person.

as for my project- my group -ecluding lovely aubrey- is dumb. and I don't mean that as just a figurative insult. they really don't get our project, it's intentions or the desired outcome. i don't know how to explain to them that trying to format a project (which is supposed to be very personal) in order to impress the teacher - or to give what they suppose the teacher wants. I can't handle that kind of pandering. It's annoying and contrary to the whole spirit of the assignment. which I know you all don't know much about. Anyway we're taking a text that "speaks to us" and reinterpreting it through a different medium. we chose a section from a book called The DARK ROOM, where a man (micha) finds out that his grandfather was in the SS in belarus and partook of the massacre's that occured there. He goes to bellarus some 50 years after world war II and meets a man named joseph- who was jewish but helped to assassinate (sp?) people in order to save himself. Anyway - joseph dies and micha comes back to belarus for the funeral. After the funeral elena (josephs wife) leads micha to the field where much of the murdering took place. the scene is very vivid and harsh and poignant. it's a beautiful summer day and yet micha is standing on what may as well be a hundred corpses. etc etc etc

so these girls keep wanting to do things that they think our teachers will like- they have put no thought into the text themselves- they insist on regurgitating (once again spelling?) what the teacher has said. it's frustrating. I wish i'd done the project alone or with a smaller group of people I knew better.

i'm done complaining for now. i had the strangest dream about being back in reno- it was a happy dream, but I was so very disconnected from it. I was in reno- but i felt far away from everything and everyone i was seeing. interesting. I'm gonna miss my best friend, my brothers and my nephew's birthday within the next four weeks. then my dad's soon thereafter. thats another thing. missing birthdays.

oy. hope everyone is doing well. until next rant

i am tremendously afraid of trying new things- studies at least. I'm terrified that I will fall in love and in turn have to throw away my previous work at university.
I'm thinking of taking a film class this coming semester- but I'm afraid that if I take it and enjoy it that I will want to change my major to art (film studies) and become a cinematographer. which wouldn't be horrible...

but it wouldn't be picking the music for films or designing the soundtrack - which I still believe has got to be the best job in the world.

and I've been in school long enough to know that the juxtaposition of classes usually causes a very unique and very specific atmosphere from which I pull both academic and "life" knowledge.

thus far I've chosen these classes....but need a fourth

Contemporary British Fiction - which will include Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange (with the original ending included - as it was cut from the american version), Salmon Rushdie's Midnights Children and others- which I'm excited to explore.

Modern English Novel (I know you're asking yourself what is the difference) - which includes Conrad's heart of darkness, Woolf's Orlando and Joyce's Portrait of an artist as a young man. I use to abhor the first selection but since I have learned more about Joseph Conrad's relationship with richard casement [ask me about casement later] I've become fascinated by him. Woolf is always brilliant and Joyce I'm already half obsessed with. My only qualm with reading Portrait is that I fully believe that Joyce should be read chronologically ie: Dubliners, then portrait, then finegan's wake and finishing with Ulysses. Half of you don't know what I'm talking about. ha

and last but not least...

Borders and Boundaries : a study of geography and globalization (which the english spell globalisation) both the impact of nationalism and the effects and consequences of an increasingly globalised [i know...but when in rome..] world. I'm extremely excited about this class. I need to talk to people.

and I need spelling lessons. I've resolved to buy a dictionary because I find more often than not that I have no idea how to spell words....I always thought that spelling was my brothers pitfall- not mine. Sorry matty.

heather [with her chipmunk laughs] and I are growing impatiant of the arrival of our new roomates, which much to our dismay, we discovered were all female. Girls are wonderful and i have nothing against living with them- however both of us have found that we fair better when living with boys...or at least some boys...and our neighboring flat has taught us many lessons this year about how sometimes living with a house full of girls can be intolerable- for all parties involved.

I feel terribly misogynistic [dictionary time] saying that. I shall have to think about it longer.

oh and love in the time of cholera- is...is....so many things, and of all genre's of literature I think I enjoy latin american literature the most.

and I'm doing a half-assed job of developing my thesis (which I'm not confident enough to share with all of you- yet) which I will have to present within the school year of 2004-2005. but everywhere I go i find that there is so much more to know before I make some assumption, so much more to learn, to see and I shall never be sated.

this is the end for all you folks without reading stamina. ha I hope this finds you all well. next time I will talk about my final project for my explorations in literature class. it's going to be brilliant. until then.

shavawn

ah ha! another post and so soon after the last one.

well since joel told me that many people weren't reading my posts because they tended to be long winded- i promise this will be another short one.

saw lost in translation today. sofia coppola- francis fords daughter- her second flick. it was good- charming in fact.

I have discovered a new friendship in my flatmate heather. She makes me giggle. she, herself, laughs like a chipmonk. brilliant little chirps.

I feel a bit like nothing I have to say right now means anything at all- so Ill just say that I'm in good health. I have lectures thursday, work on friday and saturday and I hope to finish Love in the time of cholera (a great book) before work on friday. So I'm off.

oh and today- it rained huge drops- the kind that splash up from the earth back into your face. I felt like Gene autry (I think that's his name) sans umbrella this morning on my way to work. I splashed about in all the puddles and spent the next 6 hours drying off.

hope the weather is entertaining you wherever you are.

so I have returned safely from my trip with my parents. I think we had a good time. I'm being shuffled out of the library as we speak. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing well. The weather today was like spring- warm and gentle. The sky gets bigger here every day. clouds rip it open or cover it completely sometimes- but when they are gone i can see the curve of the earth in any direction. it's beautiful. I have so much to talk about- but nothing really to say. So until the next time I'm at the lab or until monday (when I get internet access in my room)- adieu.